Wave of Modulation_old

Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment - Rumi

tomorrows

Which of my photographs is my favorite? The one I'm going to take tomorrow.

- Imogen Cunningham

The most profound things are inexpressible - Jenny Holzer

choices

I've been so full no words will come out. When I feel like this, I don't write. I only see.

I'm tongue-tied but seeing and producing many images. Image-ination is a more structural part of me than words.

I spent most of my girlhood playing the role of the invisible, the observer. I used to think I'd rather be deaf than blind. It was just safer to imagine wakeful silence. Vigilance.

The idea of being blind used to panic me. I imagined being trapped in nothingness, with no way out.

Comforting, like Noria said in the comments from the last post.

My best ability has been my power of imagination. If I was a superhero, I would imagine escapes for those in danger, paths out of darkness, paths of light and color. I would envision nirvanas, project sanctuary that would become tangible. Just as I used to, before I felt real.

Vision is my power. Hopefulness. I am confident I cannot lose it. (One BIG benefit of the life I've lived. Hey, if I haven't become petty and bitter by now, I know I never will.)

Music is my love. Like the kind of wonder and appreciation that I cannot manufacture or realize for myself. People infatuated often say that another person completes them, or that they like who they are when they are with a person. I think it is more likely that the other person draws some feeling or quality out into the open.

Music is the key that unlocks all my locks.

I cannot make music or imagine sounds with as much beauty  and mystery and wholeness as others can. The mystery builds and builds. I cannot imagine life without music. Music is the thing I most look forward to. My excitement an yearning to hear old music, and new has never waned. Ever.

With my ears I can only receive the gift. Music is my spirit. My eyes rule my own world, my own mind. My eyes are my legs., my champion. My eyes will always save me. I have never doubted that I could visualize new wonders, to infinity.

Music, makes me go, makes me grow.

I would rather be blind than deaf.

It strikes me that I would rather be blind than deaf because I feel so much safer in the world. I could trust others to lead me, hold me, encourage me.  I trust others to see me, to speak to me.

I am visible now, I am real.

So, this is what it feels like. To allow providence.

To choose providence.

you have the most beautiful face

You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

- Do You Realize by the Flaming Lips

a-muse

I hate cameras. They are so much more sure than I am about everything. - John Steinbeck

You can't depend on your eyes if your imagination is out of focus. - Mark Twain

If you are irritated by every rub, how will you be polished? - Rumi

realization

I am always healing and shedding and healing. This is not revenge, it's how I survive.

let the beauty of what you love be what you do - Rumi

[I know, I know. I still haven't got my remote posting issue straightened out. But I will! And I will catch up on NaBloPoMo!]

The other day I was chatting with a cab driver. I was taking pictures of the lights on the ride home. (The pictures in this post are not the ones I took from the cab that night.) He asked to see the pictures and when I showed him a few, he said he was so surprised to see only diffused blobs of light. But he said he loved them. He asked me how long I had been a photographer and I told him I'd been shooting on and off since 1985... prolific periods punctuated by lapses.

I think of myself as a painter, and I used to think this recent period of photographic productivity was a passing phase. Something I did to satisfy my creative urges, something much less messy than paints and charcoal and eraser droppings. Now it is two years and about 100,000 pictures later. Now I am not certain that I am more painter than photographer. I may never stop taking pictures.

The act of seeing gives me so much joy and satisfaction. I can't imagine what it would be like if this was my career. If I could somehow take photos, the way I do now or very close to it, and make a living. Summer wrote about something similar recently; becoming a professional photographer, and having to do things that aren't fun or compelling, or inspiring.

But if I could do it exactly as I love it ... wow. I think it's time to think about how to get there.

- - - -

On a perhaps counter-intuitive note

I asked the cabbie, if he had to choose one, would he rather be blind or deaf. This question pops into my head every few years. He said he didn't know, that he would have to think about it for a while. Then he asked me if I would rather be blind or deaf.

I said I would rather be blind, to his surprise. I'll tell you why in my next post.

In the meantime, which would you rather be, if you had to choose one, blind or deaf?